Something is going on - something is changing.
Last night I started the book, "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. I had seen her on Oprah about two weeks ago and barely caught fifteen minutes of the show, but afterward I went straight to my laptop, got myself into Amazon and ordered the book. On Oprah, there were success stories from gals who have read this book and put it into practice (the hard part, I know). They were talking about peeling back layers of who they were on the outside in order to get to who they really were on the inside. Why were they using food? What were they using it to hide? These women were changed, and it was evident on their faces that they were now at ease with themselves. No more covering up.
That night I thought to myself, I'd love to peel back the layers to see who I really am.
And with that thought, I knew I was ready to begin.
The book arrived in the mail and last night I cracked its cover. It resonated immediately with me. I loved what I was reading. I could completely relate to what I was reading. I didn't want to put it down, but it was getting late and I needed to get to bed. I found it interesting that ways in which my thoughts have been changing and things the Lord has pointed out to me the past couple of weeks (when I finally decided to give up the fight) are exactly what she is writing about in her book.
There's a surrender that has to happen. An "I need to feel instead of cover it up with food." A necessary recognition that while food is always available, always a friend, always what I expect it to be, it's fleeting. Its comfort is momentary, and its disastrous results lasting. I am clearly exchanging momentary pleasure to "get me through", instead of just dealing with feelings and moving past them.
She addresses the fact that some of us are holding on to a goal that we'll never reach for just that reason - to never reach it. I can identify with that. What would I be if I didn't have to think about food/eating/dieting all the time? I know what I'd be. I'd be the girl without a plan. The gal without a goal. And it's a little scary to go there. I've been working toward that end result for so many years I don't know what I'd do without it. To think - if THAT battle was over, what on earth would I do with myself? I'm starting to want to find out. There is so much MORE I could do with myself.
I want to be me. To feel , and live, and love and laugh. Even the hurts. Especially the good times. I want to be fed from life and God, and not from food. I want to be free.