trust issues

I'm having trust issues.

I thought I had it all solved the other night when I had a situation on my mind and I whispered a "Yes God, I'll trust you..." as I dozed off. 

There.  I had trusted.  Once and done; good to go.

No one told me I'd have to sign up for this daily, hourly.

Another opportunity to trust came to visit about midnight last night.  This time it involved a slight medical issue. Very slight, mind you, but when it's happening to you in the middle of a Saturday night with doctor's offices closed on Sundays and the thoughts of " How am I going to deal with this until Monday", it seems rather ominous and concerning.

And does not easily invite sleep, but is quite conducive to tossing and turning.

After my 2 hour nap this afternoon because of my lack of any meaningful rest last night, the deeper content to what had actually transpired became clear to me.  I had been given another opportunity to trust and instead of actually doing that, I took to fretting and worrying and the only prayer I had uttered was just to be delivered from how I was feeling so that I could once again wake up to my rose-y uninterrupted life where things didn't usually go awry.

The farthest thing from my mind at midnight last night was trust; it was more akin to fear.

Trust of course doesn't mean that God will fix things they way I think they should be fixed.  It doesn't mean He'll remove discomfort or uncertainty so that I never have to deal with something unpleasant.  It certainly isn't a guarantee that things will go my way.

It's a certainty that He knows best and is doing that best in my life, no matter what "best" looks like to me.

Things happen and I see my life through a microscope, but God sees with binoculars.

I may not know all the answers, but I can have all the trust. 

That's all He asks of me.

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