I've taken a bit of a hiatus from writing.
In doing so, I've written more than ever.
The reason behind this productivity is twofold; I put a hold on my writing goals because circumstances in other areas of my life were happening and changing so fast and furiously it was all I could do to hang on and keep my head above water. What helped me get through it? Journaling. Writing my heart out. Word after word, page after page. Funny thing is, I didn't write as much when it was a weekly goal.
The second reason for my recent fluidity of words is the music coming through my headphones while I write - soothing yet stimulating piano music from my station at Pandora. I'm finding there's something about having music playing in my ears while I write (it makes me feel like I'm a character in a movie for one thing, which is a whole lot of fun). It brings my emotions to the surface more than silence does. Like good dialogue that moves a story forward, I feel the music pushing me on, making me write more, getting me to feel more. It's a fun find.
This following is a piece of what evolved out of that effervescence of journaling - as I was able to get things out of my mind and onto the page.
It's been a difficult week at best with Tuesday's news of my sister's insurance denying her treatment, and the ensuing shock and upheaval. Yesterday was a mix of emotions, and on my way home at lunch I thought, "I am tired of having all these surprises in my life; being blindsided by problems all the time." Then it hit me- maybe the problems shouldn't be catching me by surprise anymore. I believe their content may always remain unknown, but perhaps I should learn to expect them more, like constant visitors who just love to show up unannounced and stay way past their welcome. I'm not sure if we can ever be fully prepared for what's coming next, but I'm starting to notice that having unexpected guests arrive and stay over is happening more often than not in this present age.
Some travelers we've found parked on our doorstep since 2010 started:
A child's depression.
A daughter's life being threatened.
A sister's cancer recurring.
Today I read in 1 Thessalonians , "But you, brothers, are not in darkness so that this day should surprise you like a thief." Paul is talking about the return of the Lord coming like a thief in the night, but it can apply to my circumstances also - I am getting weary of days surprising me and acting like thieves...
Stealing my joy.
Robbing my trust.
Taking my security.
We never know what a day will bring to us because we cannot see the future. At the same time we're not supposed to brace ourselves from the moment we wake up thinking that perhaps at any moment there could be bad news. That's living in fear.
So I wonder to myself - where's the balance? More importantly - where's the good news? My answer came quickly as I realized what it's really all about, for me anyway. I see that these trials are showing me a God who is getting bigger and bigger every time the hard times come. A God who I am getting to know more fully than ever before. I see He can handle my doubts and fears, my anger and sadness, my tears and disillusion (and yes, even those times when I throw a thing or two across the room). Through all the junk and the mess, He is still there to stand strong with me. Even when I feel completely alone, I am not. He is with me, and I couldn't do this life without Him.
Let the good times roll.