the doubting weed

When I wasn't even looking for it, I've noticed I have a flaw, a chink in my armor, that presented itself after the hectic pace of my past few days.  It's something I've noticed in the past, but simply brushed it off while it nagged at me.  And now that it's come calling time and again, I see that yes, it is indeed a problem.

So I thought I'd work it out here in front of all of you. 

Allow me to be honest.

I've discovered that there are things I'd rather not deal with.

Can anyone relate?

I discovered I bury my head in the sand and secretly hope big decisions will go away.

But most of all, I discovered I like to be busy because then I can avoid what really needs to be done.

Do I hear an amen?

Being busy serves a purpose for me - one that's not necessarily healthy or helpful to my life, but a purpose nonetheless.  Whenever I have something I'd rather not tend to, launch into, or work on, activities on my calendar serve as scapegoats to keep me occupied so that I don't have to address things I don't want to think about. ( Those things, for all intents and purposes, are not really that bad.  I just make them that bad).
Apparently, being busy keeps my true feelings about certain items at bay. Not even "at bay"; let's say "completely out to sea".

I know this because today, I ran out of activities. There was nothing left to mask what I had avoided but needed to be done.  I found myself looking straight into decisions and pursuits that up until today had remained in the background, safely tucked away, because I didn't have the time to address them.  They were out-to-sea, safely bobbing on the waves until I had the time to deal with them on shore.

Although it seems like overnight, their ship came in.

And I was far from ready.

So here I am with my now-unavoidable tasks, projects and decisions.  Am I going to trust God and go with what I was certain not that long ago that He was showing me to do?  Why does it all seem so shaky today when I felt so certain yesterday?

I think I know why.  It's because my faith needs some stretching. God hasn't changed. My circumstances haven't changed.  But my doubt has begun to grow, like a weed in a garden that hasn't yet been pulled out by its roots.  Am I going to listen to doubt?  Or am I going to listen to God who clearly gave me direction, even though He seems silent at the moment?

God wants me grow.  He wants me to succeed.  He will allow those doubts to creep in so that I learn not to listen to them. It would be easier to do that - to listen to the doubting, condemning voices and let those weeds take over and throw in the towel.  It's harder to press on and work through the uncertainty and come out on the other side.

Change is hard.  Trying new things is hard.  Fear of failure runs rampant, and sometimes it's just easier not to try.

But I would let myself down if I stopped now, if I didn't do what I feel God has called me to do, no matter how crazy or difficult it may seem. God takes me seriously, and I need to do the same with Him.

Time to pull some weeds.

what if the little things really are the big things?

Yesterday I read the entry I'd written in my journal exactly one year before.  It said,

"The scenery of life is dull at the moment.  I'm constantly in a wondering state of "what's next?"  I don't want to be there all my life; I want to eventually arrive at where God wants me to be.  Just take the next step - that's really all I can do right now, today."

Even though that was penned last year, it startled me to realize I would still write the same thoughts today.  I realized that I could end up doing exactly what I wrote that I don't want to do - "being there" on a waiting stage all my life, missing most of it while I'm passing time hoping that God shows up and does something ultra-amazing in my life for all the world to see.  I fear that I am spending my days, my time, overlooking what seems to me to be small stuff while I am gearing up for the big stuff I just know is on its way.

Then it hit me.  Why do I think God is still holding onto the One Big Thing for me that will come and change my life and unlock my Purpose Door?  What if He's already given it to me? What if it's here, all around me, in what I already have?  These life gifts that I take for granted every day; healthy children, jobs, cars, home, food, passions, love, joy, community, and the list goes on......What if all the small stuff really IS the big stuff I've been waiting for all this time?

The fact is, all that I have may very well be all I will ever have.

And if that is true, (and I'm going with the assumption that it is) then it's my thinking that needs to change, not God's performance. 

Light.  Bulb.  Moment.

So, I decided to make a choice.  It has something to do with contentedness, and a whole lot to do with perspective.  I purposed to see the things I've usually counted as small and only marginally significant as the way God intended for me to see them - great gifts I have been blessed with, which indeed they are.  It's more than just counting my blessings; it's raising the bar to count the ordinary, the everyday, the taken-for-granted parts of my life as purposeful sendings from God that are nothing short of miraculous.

Because first of all, that's true; and second of all, until I do that, I'm missing out.

I don't have to worry that I'm not doing what He wants me to do; I just need to be concerned that what He's given me to do, I do well.

I'm tired of looking out there for what I already have right here. 

To quote an old cliché that I must use because it works so well, I am choosing from this point on to dig in deep and bloom where I'm planted.  No more looking to future "if's" and "when's" to get me through the here and now.  The here and now is what I have, and it is indeed more than enough.  It's what God planned and designed specifically for me. 

Which makes it pretty awesome.

It's a date!

This is a fun post to write.  

If you would, take a moment to read my first post on this blog here.

Then, you will understand why I have great pleasure in writing that our book is available for pre-order on Amazon, with a release date of February 6, 2014.

Woo Hoo and let the fun begin!

my name

 

I was talking with a first-time mom recently and she was chatting with me about her baby girl and all the wonder that goes with having a newborn, a child, an extension of yourself for the very first time. Amazingly enough, she was out alone without said appendage, so she was missing her baby and was eager to talk about her.   At the end of our conversation, I asked, “What did you name her?”

To my surprise, she didn't answer right away.

Instead, she paused. 

It was only for a moment, but it was as if she needed to think about it, to recall it, to bring to mind what that name choice had ultimately been.  She finally looked at me and said, “Madison Joy”.  I told her it was a beautiful name, which indeed it is.

But I was struck by the pause, because that skip of beats made it seem like she couldn’t remember what she had named her little one. 

And I get that.  It could have happened for a number of reasons; lack of sleep, back-to-work stresses, her mind on other things.  It could also be due to the fact that her daughter is a brand new life in her life, one she’s not quite used to accounting for yet, one who has come along and wonderfully disrupted all things pre-motherhood and the adjustment isn’t quite flowing naturally.

(One day, she'll be saying that daughter's name so many times while trying to get her to clean up her room she'll wish she could forget it...just for a second.... :)

For right now, this new mom is just suffering from human nature.   Truth be told, I'm sure any of us who have experienced life with a newborn can say, "been there done that", along with almost-forgetting-our-child-at-church-or-the-mall, and never really doing that 7th buckle on the car seat because oh my heavens the baby is wailing and can we please just go now.

It's ok.  It's just human nature.  Human. Flawed. Nature.

And let's all breathe a sigh of relief because the good news is - it’s not God’s nature.

I am never a new name to Him.  He created me, caused me to be and sent me forth.  He knew me from the beginning, and will know me to the end.  He never pauses when He recounts my life or calls my name.  I am His and He is mine, and nothing can change that fact.  Ever.

God says in Psalm 139: 13-16 – “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

How marvelous to be thought up by God.  How miraculous to be created by God. How wonderful to be known by God.

He is above all, in all and through all.  And He knows my name.

And that, my friends, gives me pause.

 

 

impossible

I like this picture for a number of reasons.  Probably not the least of which is that it reminds me of the old manual typewriter we had in the back room of our house when I was growing up.    Oh, those keys - you had to really pound them in order to successfully get ink on paper.  And that ribbon- if you remember the machine, then you also remember the ribbon would snag and snarl and your fingers would get black and messy as you tried to fix it.  Then there was the problem of accidentally hitting two keys at once (which wasn't hard to do); they would slam up and hit the roller at the same time and interlock just so, and once again you'd have to get your hands in there to unhook them and return them to their rightful place.  It was a slow, painstaking process to get a typewritten letter out in one try for most people.

Except for my dad.

He was a World War II vet who, in his retirement free time, simply loved taking on the insurance company, the local borough and township offices, and any place else he could send a letter to in order to get things straightened out.  It didn't matter that he knew zero keyboarding techniques and only used his pointer finger on each hand. My mother and I used to shake our heads in wonder as we listened to him from the living room.  One time I looked at her and said, "You'd never know he wasn't using all ten, would you?"  That man could make those windshield-wiper-looking letter arms fly like there was no tomorrow.

And take on the typewritten world, he did.

What I also love about this picture is that taking out two letters changes the definition 180 degrees.   It repositions the entire focus and meaning of the word.  That simple act of cutting off the front takes me from defeat to promise, from discouragement to hope.  From impossible to possible.

On the other hand, why should I cross out those areas of my life that to me seem impossible?  After all how can I, in my finite mind, know what is possible and what isn't?  Why not just throw it all in the "possible" column until proven otherwise?  That would be perhaps healthier and definitely a more hopeful approach to life.  Why kill the dream before I've even tried because I think it can't be done?  

I must realize I don't know the future, but I know One who does.  I can dare to dream.  I can dare to do the impossible.  And if it's meant to happen, it will.

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

 

step one

I finally have it- my own creative space.  Thanks to a long holiday weekend, pushed-off projects were finally completed around our house and I now have a dedicated space of my own to write, dream, think, plan, organize, blog, and anything else my little heart desires.  It's a quiet space; a great space to get away to, and I am so appreciative of it.

And I'm not exactly sure what I am going to do in it....but I cannot wait to find out.

I've not blogged in a while because I've been more in "research" mode.  I've been gathering, reading, journaling, and it's all led up to feeling that God would have me take this space, take this time, to follow Him even though I'm not sure where He's leading.

I have come to realize that I don't have to see the whole journey in order to take the first step.

So it was with great vigor I cleaned out, organized, decorated, and prepared this lovely area that I can call my own.   I feel it's a first step to something, but I'm not sure to what.  I've learned enough about God to know that He will instruct me on step two when the time is right, and that for now, simply showing up is all that is required of me.

Thanks for joining me on my first voyage of using my new space.  Over an hour has passed and it's seemed like only minutes.  When we are doing what we love to do - when we love ourselves enough to let ourselves fully engage in what we love to do - joy fills the time and before we know it, it's time to go.

Thanking God for first steps.

praying about the intangibles

As I sit here to write, I realize how long it's been.  And I think of all I've done, been through, and experienced since I was last here.  It's not been anything earth shattering or devastating, but I would say it's been a stretching, faith-testing, prayerful time where answers have not come easily and days of waiting have stretched like rubber bands into a time when I feel I might snap; and even then the answers often don't come.

It seems that recently God has been silent on the big ticket tangible items I've been praying about - things like jobs, finances, clogged sewer pipes and car repair bills, to name a few. 

Yet I've noticed something about my cries for mercy regarding the intangibles I so often throw His way.

A prayer about a strained relationship.

A plea for a broken heart.

A request to heal my emotions.

An admission of an unthankful spirit which likes to complain more than it likes to count its blessings.

It's with striking certainty that I realize those prayers get answered quicker than I can say "now you're getting it".   Heart wounds are bound up, emotions get set right, relationships are restored and thankfulness can abound...all for the asking.

And my eyes are opened and I actually learn something.   I learn that God isn't as concerned about what bill I pay, what job I have, or if I have to get a ride to work because the car broke down.   Those things are a part of life, and they come with the package deal that says, "You're Human."

He is more concerned, though, about who I am.

And from what I can tell, that ranks higher than what I do.

So you see, I tell myself, God isn't silent.  He's there, just as He's always been.  He's still working.  He's still healing.  He's always listening.  And this waiting game?   It has a purpose.  It has a reason.  He's using it to build character.  He's using it to teach patience.

He's using it to make me more like Him.

And that, I tell myself, is well worth the wait.