When I wasn't even looking for it, I've noticed I have a flaw, a chink in my armor, that presented itself after the hectic pace of my past few days. It's something I've noticed in the past, but simply brushed it off while it nagged at me. And now that it's come calling time and again, I see that yes, it is indeed a problem.
So I thought I'd work it out here in front of all of you.
Allow me to be honest.
I've discovered that there are things I'd rather not deal with.
Can anyone relate?
I discovered I bury my head in the sand and secretly hope big decisions will go away.
But most of all, I discovered I like to be busy because then I can avoid what really needs to be done.
Do I hear an amen?
Being busy serves a purpose for me - one that's not necessarily healthy or helpful to my life, but a purpose nonetheless. Whenever I have something I'd rather not tend to, launch into, or work on, activities on my calendar serve as scapegoats to keep me occupied so that I don't have to address things I don't want to think about. ( Those things, for all intents and purposes, are not really that bad. I just make them that bad).
Apparently, being busy keeps my true feelings about certain items at bay. Not even "at bay"; let's say "completely out to sea".
I know this because today, I ran out of activities. There was nothing left to mask what I had avoided but needed to be done. I found myself looking straight into decisions and pursuits that up until today had remained in the background, safely tucked away, because I didn't have the time to address them. They were out-to-sea, safely bobbing on the waves until I had the time to deal with them on shore.
Although it seems like overnight, their ship came in.
And I was far from ready.
So here I am with my now-unavoidable tasks, projects and decisions. Am I going to trust God and go with what I was certain not that long ago that He was showing me to do? Why does it all seem so shaky today when I felt so certain yesterday?
I think I know why. It's because my faith needs some stretching. God hasn't changed. My circumstances haven't changed. But my doubt has begun to grow, like a weed in a garden that hasn't yet been pulled out by its roots. Am I going to listen to doubt? Or am I going to listen to God who clearly gave me direction, even though He seems silent at the moment?
God wants me grow. He wants me to succeed. He will allow those doubts to creep in so that I learn not to listen to them. It would be easier to do that - to listen to the doubting, condemning voices and let those weeds take over and throw in the towel. It's harder to press on and work through the uncertainty and come out on the other side.
Change is hard. Trying new things is hard. Fear of failure runs rampant, and sometimes it's just easier not to try.
But I would let myself down if I stopped now, if I didn't do what I feel God has called me to do, no matter how crazy or difficult it may seem. God takes me seriously, and I need to do the same with Him.
Time to pull some weeds.