I've noticed something interesting after the busy-ness of the past few days. Something I had noticed before, but simply brushed it off while it nagged at me that it could potentially be a problem. And now that I've noticed it time and again, I see that yes, it is indeed a problem.
So I thought I'd work it out here in front of all of you.
I realized today that being busy serves a purpose for me - and one that's not necessarily healthy or helpful to my life. Whenever I have something I'd rather not tend to, launch into, or work on, the activity on my calendar and during my days keeps me so occupied that I don't really have to address what I don't want to think about (which for all intents and purposes, is not really that bad. I just make it that bad). Apparently, being busy keeps my true feelings about certain items at bay. Not even "at bay"; how about "completely out to sea"?
I know this because today, my activity stopped. There was nothing happening to mask what needed to be tended to. I found myself looking straight into some decisions and pursuits that up until today could just remain in the background, safely tucked away, because I didn't have the time to address them. They were out-to-sea, safely bobbing on the waves until I had the time to deal with them on shore.
Seems like overnight, their ship came in.
And I was far from ready.
But now I have some decisions to make. Am I going to trust God and go with what I was certain not that long ago that He was showing me to do? Why does it all seem so shaky today when I felt so certain yesterday?
I think I know why. It's because my faith needs some stretching. God hasn't changed. My circumstances haven't changed. But my doubt has begun to grow like a weed in a garden that hasn't yet been pulled out by its roots. Am I going to listen to doubt? Or am I going to listen to God who clearly gave me direction, even though He seems silent at the moment?
God wants me grow. He wants me to succeed. He will allow those doubts to creep in so that I learn not to listen to them. It would be easier to do that - to listen to the doubting, condemning voices and let those weeds take over and throw in the towel. It's harder to press on and work through the uncertainty and come out on the other side.
Change is hard. Trying new things is hard. Fear of failure runs rampant, and sometimes it's just easier not to try.
But I would let myself down if I stopped now, if I didn't do what I feel God has called me to do, no matter how crazy or difficult it may seem. God takes me seriously, and I need to do the same with Him.
Time to weed.