when it's hard to find the happy

There have been some rough days.  Days that easily fill my mind with worry, anxiety and concern over myself and the people I love the most.  

I pray.  And pray again.  And then I pray some more.

Sometimes things change, often sometimes they don't.

But today, for the first time in a long time, I woke up and went through my mental checklist of who and what normally concerns me when I awake and I was able to put an imaginary "it's ok" star by almost every category and individual. 

I smiled. I could breathe easier.

I felt happy.  

And then, I felt guilty.

Hmmm. Not the emotion I was going for.

The guilt revealed the real problem I have. This morning I was feeling better and happier because my circumstances had improved and things were lining up the way I had hoped they would.  I felt a little bit in control, kind of like I had God on a string and surely He saw now that He should do things my way so that I could have a very nice life.

But......yuk. That is so not who I want to be.  Because that is so not how God and life work.

I don't want to depend on my circumstances to be happy or feel joy.  I want to live above them, not under them.  I want to be someone whose faith is secure and solid; someone whose trust in God is so deep and complete that I don't need to have every box on my list checked off in a positive manner in order to feel good and approach my day with a glad heart. 

I want to live a life that greets each day with gratitude simply for the breath and life He has given me, and for the gift of knowing Him.

Even if He never answers another prayer the way I expect Him to. 

Let's face it- we all know people who have more joy and contentment on their bad days than we do on most of our good ones. And granted, we all breathe a sigh of relief when we get a reprieve from the things that have kept us up at night a good long while.  That's to be expected.

But it's the everyday joy I am seeking; the one that will remain with me when life goes haywire and my world spins crazy.  The kind that grounds me in knowing and trusting that God has all of this - every moment - in His control, even when it seems that no one, not even God, could fix the mess that is happening.  I want to approach my day if not always with a smile on my face, then with one on my heart knowing that God's got this and I can move forward in trust and confidence in the One who made me, knows me and knows exactly what I need.

Instead of reaching for my checklist to tell me how I feel, I will reach for Him. 

And I bet in doing so, I will reach joy. 

  

the value of the top lock

When I started my new job last year, I was given a key to the ladies room down the hall. Since only employees who had a key could access the facilities, it was obvious that my possession of such granted me access to the in-crowd, the ones in the know, the ones who could go.

I felt pretty darned special.

Until one day when someone else with a key showed up and attempted to open the door while I was actually in there, sending me scrambling to keep the door closed.  It quickly became clear that anyone with a second floor ladies room key could get in at any time regardless of who was occupying the premises.  All they had to do was put their key in the lock and swing the door wide open......

and let the irreparable damage begin.

Hold on a minute.  Surely this couldn't be the way it worked.  Was there no etiquette of the keys?  No protection from being walked in on any time of the day or night? Didn't anyone make a fist and knock anymore?

It was in my wild lunging towards a closed door about to open that I saw it.  Right there in front of me. Another piece of the locking mechanism I had missed, visible only from the inside. Usable only from the inside. Meant only for the person on the inside.

Behold the beauty of The Top Lock.

This is the latch you swing to the left after you are in the bathroom.  The one that has no key access from the other side. The one that keeps the door shut securely so there can't be any surprises.  The one that guarantees that no one, no how is getting in to see the wizard until the wizard is ready to be seen.

I exhaled. It was true. As I had hoped, the ladies room was Fort Knox after all. My faith in our property management group returned that day.

Oddly enough, maneuvering that lever made me think of my life. Where did I need to throw a top latch?  Were there areas in my heart and mind that needed protection from unwanted intruders?  Might there be parts of myself that were only loosely guarded, leaving room for temptation with an all-access key to surprise me with bad choices, influences, and juicy offers while swinging the door wide open and walking right in?

Unpleasant visitors enter my life so easily. Their names are familiar -  Judgment, Jealousy, Fear, Enviousness, Comparison, Self-defeat, Criticism...the list can get long in a heartbeat.  There's a latch I need to engage when they visit, a latch which looks like taking every thought captive to Christ and holding every errant emotion I am feeling up to God and His word. God's truth is the barricade that keeps the unwanted guest out, but just like in the second floor ladies room, it's up to me to put it into place.  God's given me all I need in His word to send those intruders packing, but I must have spent time getting ready in order to be prepared with His truth when they arrive.

I need to remember, it's not enough to just go in and shut the door.

Protection comes when I bolt it from the inside out.

balancing act

Today I was reading an excellent post by Emily Freeman on (in)courage.  She speaks about undoing - unwinding, unplugging, unscheduling, to let her spirit rest and breathe. Taking the time to actually have free time, and not let it get eaten up with an agenda. Imagine that.

 

She also lets the reader in on her newest method of relaxing during that free time - the art of crocheting. 

 

Well now, isn't that a small world.  It just so happens I have a foot in both the balancing-my-free-time and crocheting camps even as we speak. I'm not kidding.

 

I, too, have recently re-learned how to crochet and yes, if you're my family member and reading this, you now know we are having a yarn-based Christmas this year.

 

I come by it somewhat naturally.  My mother was a knitter and she made beautiful things- like an afghan that I still have today because her hands wove those stitches together.  Or a too-small-for-me red cable knit sweater that apparently I unraveled off her needles when I was 2 and she was 41 and on the phone.  A mounted wall phone....leaving me on my own with her creation and my curious toddler fingers. After the sweater was finally finished and worn by her for many years, she passed it on to me and even though it never did fit, I can't throw it out or give it away.  She and I made that one together.

 

But to me, two knitting needles and yarn resemble eating spaghetti with chopsticks, so I went the one-hook route and decided to crochet when I have a moment.

 

Which brings me to my current concern - what is the best use of my time when I actually do have a moment? or 5? or 3 hours? How much downtime is good and healthy without crossing the line to lazy? I'm at a point where I feel like I must be productive all evening at home after being productive all day at work and am having trouble finding when to stop. Or I go to the other extreme; when I get home, I don't "start" anything at all and head right to my pj's, comfort food and a favorite episode of some brainless show On Demand. And that sets the course for the whole evening...

 

I would like to figure out where to land in the "what do I do with my free time" game.  I definitely need to cut myself a break from churning out results 24/7, but also have to be intentional if I ever want to get a blog post written, a book drafted, the bills paid or dinner on the table for my husband and I once in a while.

 

What's your go-to plan when you find yourself with hours to spare?  How do you shift gears after a full work day, transitioning into evenings at home with demands or perhaps the lack of them?  Do you keep on producing, or are you able to balance productivity with relaxation? Do you crochet?  :)  

 

Share in the comments!

the (fairly) confident woman

Here's a concept I need to explore- Confidence.  I realized in my prayer time this morning that I really don't have much of it..... in many areas. In my looks, my clothes, my hair for starters (these are First World problems and so self-centered I can't believe I'm actually saying them). Confidence that I am enough as is.  Confidence that things for my children, me and my husband will turn out okay and that God is in control and He is working.

I hadn't realized I was lacking confidence, but after thinking about it, a part of me wonders if maybe that's a good thing to lack.

Let me explain.

In my experience, day-to-day confidence can fluctuate greatly for a woman (see First World Problems, above). We females put a lot of stock in our clothes coordinating, our doo turning out right and our makeup looking flawless each day to boost our confidence. Any one of those goes awry and there's trouble brewing.  Layer on top of that our mental assessment of the shape, size and firmness/flabbiness of our bodies at the moment, and...well, you can see how the whole day can become a slippery slope before we even leave the house.  Part Most of me wishes I could be one of those women who go without makeup every day, pulling my hair back into an easy ponytail, looking how I look and still feeling confident.  I am not there yet and most likely if I died tomorrow I would want to be buried with purple eye shadow on and a full sweep of mascara, and don't forget my earrings thank you very much.  Last impressions and all that, you know. 

But if my confidence in who I am is coming from my appearance, I'm in trouble.  Big trouble.  I believe most of us recognize this, but many of us still struggle with it.  I know I do on a daily basis.

And there's more. I need spiritual confidence.  You know - the kind that helps you to believe that God is in control and at work, which as far as I can tell translates seamlessly to the word "faith".  

But still the word "confidence" sounds like pride to me, even when I'm putting it next to the word "spiritual".  An I-don't-need-you-God-I-got-this kind of thing.  I'm wondering what place confidence has in my spiritual walk and journey.

Does confidence blend with or work against faith and trust?  Is it a trifecta of things that go together, or is confidence separate and worldly, neatly elbowing God out of the equation by putting the focus and trust in myself and how I feel on any given day? 

As a Christian, what is my perspective on confidence?  

What is yours?

I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

for those times when the strangest things come in handy

Our weekend away had arrived.  Soon 5 of us women would be piling into a van to head to our annual church retreat where we would spend time laughing, learning and most importantly, eating delicious meals we didn't have to cook.   

Gathering at our driver’s house, we lined up our suitcases to load into the back of her vehicle.  One suitcase - my sister’s - stood out due to it being the oh-so-attention getting shade of safety cone orange.  She admitted it was her luggage from over 20 years ago, but it had served her well and didn't show any wear so she’d never replaced it.   Mixed in with our other traveling bags of contemporary purples, blacks, tapestries and polka dots, we couldn't help but razz her a little bit that she might want to look into new luggage when we got back….

                That being said, we headed off and had a marvelous time.  As always, the weekend passed quickly and the retreat was over all too soon.  Before we knew it, it was time to return home.  Back in my friend’s van we and our belongings went on Sunday afternoon, our heads and hearts (and stomachs) full of all we had taken in over the past two days.  We chatted among ourselves going home, sharing stories the whole way, eager to get back to our families waiting for us.

                And then we heard the clunk.  And felt the lurch.  And realized we had to get off the road fast because, just as we were nearing our destination, we had a flat tire.

                Sighs of deflation were heard all around.

                To make matters worse, we were on a busy, crowded highway where the only place to pull off was a strip of macadam barely wide enough to be called a shoulder.  It was more like a “You’ll be lucky if you can squeeze your car in here; don’t try opening any doors” space.  But, pull off we did and sat there to assess our fate for a moment.  A few of us got out of the van to inspect said flat tire, but quickly realized we were taking our lives in our hands by doing so as the flat was on the driver’s side, which was only inches away from a steady stream of fully mobile cars going 60 miles an hour. 

                Back in the van, we called AAA, who promised to come help us but also promised it would be well over an hour before they would arrive.  Ugh.  All we could do was wait in the van on our cramped little strip of roadside.  The more we sat there with multitudes of traffic whizzing by us to our left, the more we felt like sitting ducks waiting to be plowed into from behind by someone not realizing we were at a dead, parked stop. 

                We knew we needed something.  A marker of sorts that we could put out behind our vehicle to let other drivers know to watch out for us.  Something that would get their attention and cause them to notice that our van was helplessly over to the side, to alert them to steer clear of us…..

                That’s the moment we remembered we were in possession of one very bright orange suitcase. 

                Upon that realization, a few of us tumbled out of the van, opened the back hatch and pulled my sister’s luggage to the front of the pile.  It was absolutely perfect ; the color was so bold and brazen that we put the piece at an angle right behind the flat tire.  Immediately we felt safer.  And a little ashamed of ourselves.   What we had originally advised her to replace was exactly what we needed right now.

                We did not get hit- fortunately- and the neon orange of the suitcase even alerted a passing truck driver that we were in need of assistance.  He stopped ahead of us, changed our flat and we were on our way home before AAA even had a chance to call back.  What could have been a major headache in our day turned out to be just a small interruption on our way home, and the rest of the trip was event free. 

I am not sure if my sister ever bought new luggage, but I’m glad she hadn’t prior to that trip.  God knew we were going to need what she had; He is that much in the details.  He can use the outdated things, the less-than-trendy pieces, and the not-so-much-like-all-the-rest parts of us to accomplish His purposes.  We don’t have to be the latest, the greatest, or the best in order for Him to use us.    We just need to be His.

All in all the weekend was a huge success, thanks to a bright orange suitcase and a very creative, all-knowing God.

               

God on Twitter

I opened my email inbox yesterday to find that I had a message with the subject, "God is now following you on Twitter!"  Even at 7:00 in the morning, it was funny.  I couldn't wait to find out more, so I opened the email, which read,

"God (GodTwitte) is now following your tweets on Twitter. A little information about God:

2 followers

1 tweet

following 377 people ".

Hmm...He wasn't following as many people as I might have imagined the Creator of the Universe to be keeping tabs on, but it was a start, I guessed.  After all, it's going to take a while to tag onto millions of people.

The standard Twitter email went on to inform me:

"You may follow God as well by clicking on the "follow" button on their profile. If you believe God is engaging in abusive behavior on Twitter, you may report God for spam.

God may not appear in your follower list. God may have decided to stop following you, or the account may have been suspended for a Terms of Service violation. "

For those of you who have a Twitter account, you'll recognize the format of this email that goes out to all account holders when someone new follows them.  Putting God's name in just makes for a humorous read, and a real good blog post. 

There was one more piece to the puzzle though.  Assuming the real and triune God would protect me and my beloved laptop from any viruses if I clicked through to God's profile because I just had to know what it said, I clicked on His heavenly little icon and here's what I got -

"Sorry, the profile you were trying to view has been suspended due to strange activity."

That was the icing on the angel food cake.

Okay,  there's just a whole lot of fun I can have making parallels with an email like that.  So let's dive in, shall we? I thought I'd do an instant replay of the text and add my own comments as to the truth or lie of it all...

God (GodTwitte) is now following your tweets on Twitter. A little information about God:  -  Correction.  There's a whole lot of information about God you can get your hands on- it's called The Bible and you need to read it if you haven't yet.  It's a best seller.
2 followers - Well, there's 5 in my household alone so there goes that fact.
1 tweet - Oh my.  He's got thousands of tweets for you.  In the Bible they're notated as verses.

following 377 people. - Wrong again.  World population - 6.916 billion and climbing.  He's following each one.

You may follow God as well by clicking on the "follow" button on their profile.  - No need to click on any button.  You can follow God quite easily by simply telling Him you accept His free gift of life given by His Son dying for you.  Then, let the following begin.....

If you believe God is engaging in abusive behavior on Twitter, you may report God for spam. - God will never, ever be involved in any kind of abusive behavior- He loves to give good gifts to His children.  Gotta give this one a big thumbs down and disregard it.


God may not appear in your follower list. - This statement reminds me of the times when we don't especially "feel" God near, or when we wonder if He's even listening.  Even though He may not appear to be following at times like that, rest assured He can't take His eyes off you.

God may have decided to stop following you, or the account may have been suspended for a Terms of Service violation. - Never.  God will never stop following you.  Furthermore, if you are really His child (see "accept free gift" above), you can never be suspended for a service violation.  Once His, always His.

And last, but not least (as a matter of fact, I think this one is the best yet) -
"Sorry, the profile you were trying to view has been suspended due to strange activity." - If you define strange activity as healing, raising from the dead, repairing broken relationships, miracles, and the like, then God may need to fit into the "suspended account" category for you.  God is not bound by the rules of this world, and realize that what may seem strange to some is hope and proof of God to others.  It all depends on who you're following, and where you're going.

I do not need God to follow me on Twitter.  I already am assured that He is with me every moment of every day because of a decision I made one night in February of 1981 to follow Him.  God had this "following" thing figured out way before now- as a matter of fact, He's been checking status updates since He put two people in a garden and communicated with them.  Now, that's Someone worth following.

soul rest

 

I had the privilege of being part of the book launch team for Bonnie Gray’s “Finding Spiritual Whitespace”.   This book is a much needed oasis that speaks truth into our hurried lives.  Bonnie weaves keen spiritual insights and revelations into her story of a difficult childhood which led to unexpectedly dealing with PTSD and the ravaging effect that had on her as a whole person.   She speaks from a deep well of experience, and relates definitive mile-markers of spiritual growth, where God divinely showed her how much her soul desperately needed to seek Him, to slow down, to rest.

She calls that “spiritual whitespace”.

I’ve also heard it referred to as “margin”.  You know – that extra room on the side of a lined piece of paper that is supposed to stay empty.  Have you noticed how that beautiful white, unfilled space on the page makes the whole thing more readable?  That is exactly what whitespace is supposed to do – in art, in music, in life.  As Bonnie tells us, if we don’t build it into our lives, if we don’t plan for it, if we don’t arrange our day to make sure it happens, if we don’t look for God along the way where He is showing up time and again, life will surely take over our agenda and our calendar and we will not naturally make room for Him in the process.  We must slow down, we must have eyes to see, we must let our soul feel His stir. 

If your soul needs rest and if you want to find ways to incorporate God into your every moment, then Finding Spiritual Whitespace is a must read for you.  The book also has questions at the end of each chapter and journaling prompts, to further your study alone or with a friend(s).   

Enjoy!